I dream.. I wish… I want…

I have been loved.. I have been LEFT..

I have been HURT.. I have been DESTROYED!!!!!

I STILL believe in LOVE between two souls.  I will never ever believe different.

What do I want?  What do I discuss with God?

I say.. God, I want to share my life.. I want someone who is ME… who is like a conversation, and experience with myself!

I will not not not.. want to change him.. and he will not want to change me.

We will DANCE through our life!

That’s all God.




Awakening: What it means to me…


Written: April 2016

Awakening.. yes.  I feel.. truly that I have been awakening since I escaped the birth canal.

I escaped and ran, baby, ran.  I took off like a bullet out of a gun.  I soared through life not avoiding anything.  I embraced, felt, every obstacle.  I enjoyed every single pleasure and most of all.. BIGGEST of all.. I dared myself to listen and follow my inner longing.

Don’t have a clue how or why.  Gave up on figuring that out.   I just know, without a doubt that life can be embraced and enjoyed and damn it, I have made that my quest.  My whole life mission… the final destination.

So… what does Awakening mean to me.  Well, at this point… 61 years under the belt.. at this moment in time.. ahhhh time.. I won’t GO THERE.. lol

Right now.. in the present moment.. I feel you only really really begin to enter the Awakening arena.. when you get to the point where you dipped your toes into the pool of possibility.. learning that the answers lie within.  When you begin to ‘trust’ the inner voice that you have gotten to know and like and listen.  You begin to practice patience… thoughtfulness before speaking verbally and MOST importantly before you make an inner decision.

Then… just when you thought you GOT IT…. I’M THERE!!!! BAM… slap… you’re taken down… down baby down.  You begin to .. oh so quickly revert to ego, negativity, hopelessness…

Yes… Just happened to PJ.  BUT… suddenly I – internally, firmly spoke out loud to ME, that inner voice and stated:  Nope.. not gonna happen!  I am completely committed to my continued journey to the ultimate happiness, peace and love that I know I/We… all deserve.

This is what Awakening means to me… at this moment.

That’s all I have to say… for now.


“I’m Gonna Party Like It’s 1999”

PrinceWow!  Prince has passed on!  Crazy… I, for some reason have been thinking about “Party Like It’s 1999” , by Prince…. mmm.  My 2nd husband and I dancing at a nightclub on New Years Eve 1999.  Dancing to that beautiful song.

So, we danced and then we divorced.  Yes, I have my hurt.  Yes, I ‘claim’ I was STUNNED.  Yet, deep, deep within I know that I knew.  That I foresaw a union that could never last….forever.  Yet, It had to happen.  She had to reach out her hand… palm side up, and fan her fingers out and state with full conviction “I am Yours.. I will follow as long as you Feel me and respect my opinions… my thoughts.. considerations… possible outcomes…. Yes, I open myself to you.

We have been divorced for over 16 years and I have ever so barely even thought of him.  Yet, in the past week or 3 I have been thinking about that song.  That night.  I am almost certain I posted ‘That Song’ on Facebook very recently.  And now… today, the news.

So, a sad ‘Synchronicity’.  That is… ‘Pay Attention this needs to be released.  You Cannot move forward in ANY relationships with a man until you rid yourself.. your soul… your heart of that pain.  Do NOT ‘assume’ this will continue.. to always happen.  You do not need to think, believe that.  PUKE that shit OUT”

So, tonight, I will release.. that hurt, that pain.  I will remove that arrow so deeply embedded within my soul… piercing my heart.  My heart ‘almost’ accepted that future.  Whew…. thank God it did not or I could not escape my deep lonely longing..

And that is all I have to say …. for now.


What the HELL??

What the

Okay… I wrote something but APPARENTLY it is not meant to be entered here.  So… I am just tapping my fingers on my keyboard waiting to discover what exactly it is that I should be writing now.   I don’t get it sometimes.. I think I know what I should do… I am pushing myself.. granted… but I think I should push myself sometimes to make something grab a little teeny tiny spark of light that will hopefully ignite.  So… I am at this moment, rubbing those sticks as fast and hard as I can…

mmm… so, I am just letting it all happen, unfold…. not trying to manipulate or ‘bend’ it into a determined result.  I have no frickin’ clue what the result will be.  My hopes are that it will develop, grab a drop or two of moisture dripping from the rain that fell a day ago that little drop that survived and is rolling down the slightly angled roof…

What the hell was that?/…??  I don’t know.  I have no clue.  LIFE… ah… that is what I am doing.. that is what I can ALWAYS count on.  Living… well, let’s face it when you can’t count on Living…. then, you must be DEAD… lol WHATEVER

I think I am done now.  What the hell?  Another day in PJ land!  Giggle……


My Conversation with God



Another beautiful day provided by God!  Oh thank you!

Today is a Sunday and I always try to spend some time with Him.  To chat within my mind.  So fun and comforting as he touches my heart and soul.  I tell Him about my wondrous week and give thanks for showing me the way.  I let him know that I realize the blessings from Him are filled with Love.  That I heard His whispers to me and followed His directions.  What a lovely Gift!  Nothing, absolutely nothing can be better!

When I think of something I follow his lead.  When I smile it is an indication that the turned up corners of my mouth that form a crescent smile is Him gently holding and hugging me.

Each and every day I learn… learn my lessons.

Sometimes I falter.  I slip into the noise surrounding me and then I feel his prodding to dismiss them and I verbally say:  ‘Thank you God!’

For me, every day is a new gift to open.  Every morning I say out loud:  ‘It’s a beautiful day… what do I say?.. Thank you Jesus!”  That is what I say.



And so, she shall write


She was a little girl and her Mother bought her a diary.  It was a Mary Poppin’s Diary with a lock.  She loved that diary and wrote all her secrets within and locked them away.

As she grew she would write sometimes and as she wrote she dreamed of writing always.  She dreamed that she was a writer and that she had something very important to say.  And then life got a hold of her and she wandered off to live and stuff.

There were times when the sadness of life tied her all up in knots and she couldn’t get undone.. then, she would write her way out of it… and again, dream of being a writer but lost her pen and carried on with living.

Sometimes she swore she had entered heaven and had to document every breath she took and wrote it all down.. and then she misplaced her journal and dropped her pen in a puddle and walked on into her life.

Well, now… she must write.  Now is time.  There is no plan.

And so… she shall write.




We really need to take a check on who we are…. why we are here…. what the F it is all about.   So.. right now .. as you read this… what is going on? What are you doing?  What is your purpose.?  Ahhh wake up.. brush your teeth.. go to work… try to pay your bills… hope some day.. you can be HAPPY?   Well… STOP.. THINK.. you must get a GRIP!!!

BE happy.. no… it is not the car on tv you are made to desire.  It is NOT the body on tv that will make you happy.  It is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!

Wake the F UP… it is a game .. you are the pawn.. you are being controlled.  PLEASE wake up and see that YOU NEED NONE OF THAT!  The GOLD YOU SEEK is within YOUR HEART.

LOVE… Simple.. simply LOVE…

that is  all I have to say for now.