Could it be?
That my wishes came true?
Bruises cover my body..
Pinching myself to assure I am Awake!
What the.. No, CAN’T be true.
No way Jose’.
So, I journey forward.. As ALWAYS.
Into the night,
My soul takes flight.
Soaring above and seeing my life.
The sun is rising as I look at the town,
Where I grew from a child.
I linger and laugh at the teenager in me
Climbing out of windows and being so free
I met a boy
And he brought out my sexuality
Little did I know that wasn’t reality.
Then there I was holding my child
A mother too soon I knew not how
Then there I was with another child
I found myself filled with joy
I could be a child which my life had not allowed
I was suddenly deserted by the boy I met
That was a day I’ll never forget
Darkness came over me
I could not see
I lost who I was
Who I thought was me
I left my children
One sunny day
I packed my car and ran away
I could not find myself no matter how far I traveled
Now I know who I was running from was me
So I tried to find myself
Filled with guilt and shame
Not worthy of life
Then he raped me
This I still keep deep inside of me
I missed my life
My children I loved
But could not face everyone
I had run from.
I had secrets inside of me
That I dare not share with those surrounding me
Finally I cried until I thought I’d die
And got in my car and faced my life
Things did not go well as I knew they wouldn’t
Denied my children
I felt broke
But, my life went on
though every day I felt misery
I mourned my loss
Mourned my awful mistakes
I pondered me and who I should be
I was a mother and now didn’t feel like one
Didn’t deserve to be one
I filled with madness
Drink was my escape
Made me more miserable
I just felt awful
My life became one big party
That way I escaped my reality
Then I met another boy
Thinking maybe he would fill me with joy
Someone to love me
For I forgot what that was like
nd so I started another life
Life then started anew and I went to learn
To begin a career
I felt happiness was ever so near
And suddenly I had another chance
There I was – another child
A mother again
So long ago she went away
I knew for sure she was here to stay
And so my life went on a happy way
Then it was like deja vu
He left me this boy
Just like the first
The sun fell out of my sky
Once again I was in the sea
I asked God, oh why why me?
What did I do to deserve this insanity?
So, once again there I was
Under the water. Trying to swim above
I could not take this again
I was determined to not become insane again
I swam to the top and treaded the sea
I was insistent upon staying me
It was hard oh so hard
Sometimes I wished I could float above
Above this earth where I didn’t seem to fit
I lost my job, my home
I felt oh so alone
But my child kept me alive
Then there he was following me
Absolute terror surrounded me
I ran my son and me
Hiding out from that evil man
So scared so scared
Then there was justice though not that much
Soon it was time for my child to go to sea
Where he served our country
Then I met another boy
Who seemed to understand me
What a lie
My mental state was not good
He hit me physically
I thought I deserved it
I guess I still was not free
Of all my past and misery
Somehow someway I broke away
Then I started yet another life
I left the town where I had grown
Got in my car and I just drove
I found a job
I found my home
Where I felt so happy even though I was alone
I then fell once again
My mind just broke
To explain, I can’t even begin
I didn’t want to be that way…again
I sought out a life preserver to pull me out of the water I’d sunk in
And then I knew. I finally knew
My mind, me, are okay
Special in a wonderful way
I treat myself, my mind with meds
Finally I know what life really is
The adjustment was hard
Actually still very hard
My first two babies are embracing me
And my third… well, he really worries me
I rescued him from a dark cave
A man out of him, I will make
So, after a life of trying to find me
I discovered myself which was always within me
And now I travel through my sunset of life
And realize that all the lives I have lived
Were really gifts
The sun may be setting for me
But, I am free
And happy to be me
I’ll forge ahead and live a new life
And so it goes… me, myself and I
Experiencing whatever is life
It may not be the best it could be
But I am ever so happy
The smiles I have though wrinkle my face
They come from joy
Which I now embrace
I may be graying and my body failing
But I’m so happy so happy for life
Soon the sun will set once again
Then it won’t come up
But I am sure I’ll be in a new place
Where the stars will shine
The sun will glow bright
The moon will smile upon my next life
I’ll see the ones I lost
And wait for the ones I left
And discover whatever is given me next.
May 15th, 2017
Mmmm… So Good! My life, that is. How, Why… WHATEVER!
Not going to analyze it. Not going to go there.
I will stay still and feel the never ending moment. I will breathe it in slowly. Then, hold my breath ever so slightly absorbing the details within every single cell of the human body.
Then, I will slowly exhale what is left.
And, so, I breathe.
I dream.. I wish… I want…
I have been loved.. I have been LEFT..
I have been HURT.. I have been DESTROYED!!!!!
I STILL believe in LOVE between two souls. I will never ever believe different.
What do I want? What do I discuss with God?
I say.. God, I want to share my life.. I want someone who is ME… who is like a conversation, and experience with myself!
I will not not not.. want to change him.. and he will not want to change me.
We will DANCE through our life!
That’s all God.
Awakening.. yes. I feel.. truly that I have been awakening since I escaped the birth canal.
I escaped and ran, baby, ran. I took off like a bullet out of a gun. I soared through life not avoiding anything. I embraced, felt, every obstacle. I enjoyed every single pleasure and most of all.. BIGGEST of all.. I dared myself to listen and follow my inner longing.
Don’t have a clue how or why. Gave up on figuring that out. I just know, without a doubt that life can be embraced and enjoyed and damn it, I have made that my quest. My whole life mission… the final destination.
So… what does Awakening mean to me. Well, at this point… 61 years under the belt.. at this moment in time.. ahhhh time.. I won’t GO THERE.. lol
Right now.. in the present moment.. I feel you only really really begin to enter the Awakening arena.. when you get to the point where you dipped your toes into the pool of possibility.. learning that the answers lie within. When you begin to ‘trust’ the inner voice that you have gotten to know and like and listen. You begin to practice patience… thoughtfulness before speaking verbally and MOST importantly before you make an inner decision.
Then… just when you thought you GOT IT…. I’M THERE!!!! BAM… slap… you’re taken down… down baby down. You begin to .. oh so quickly revert to ego, negativity, hopelessness…
Yes… Just happened to PJ. BUT… suddenly I – internally, firmly spoke out loud to ME, that inner voice and stated: Nope.. not gonna happen! I am completely committed to my continued journey to the ultimate happiness, peace and love that I know I/We… all deserve.
This is what Awakening means to me… at this moment.
That’s all I have to say… for now.
Wow! Prince has passed on! Crazy… I, for some reason have been thinking about “Party Like It’s 1999” , by Prince…. mmm. My 2nd husband and I dancing at a nightclub on New Years Eve 1999. Dancing to that beautiful song.
So, we danced and then we divorced. Yes, I have my hurt. Yes, I ‘claim’ I was STUNNED. Yet, deep, deep within I know that I knew. That I foresaw a union that could never last….forever. Yet, It had to happen. She had to reach out her hand… palm side up, and fan her fingers out and state with full conviction “I am Yours.. I will follow as long as you Feel me and respect my opinions… my thoughts.. considerations… possible outcomes…. Yes, I open myself to you.
We have been divorced for over 16 years and I have ever so barely even thought of him. Yet, in the past week or 3 I have been thinking about that song. That night. I am almost certain I posted ‘That Song’ on Facebook very recently. And now… today, the news.
So, a sad ‘Synchronicity’. That is… ‘Pay Attention this needs to be released. You Cannot move forward in ANY relationships with a man until you rid yourself.. your soul… your heart of that pain. Do NOT ‘assume’ this will continue.. to always happen. You do not need to think, believe that. PUKE that shit OUT”
So, tonight, I will release.. that hurt, that pain. I will remove that arrow so deeply embedded within my soul… piercing my heart. My heart ‘almost’ accepted that future. Whew…. thank God it did not or I could not escape my deep lonely longing..
And that is all I have to say …. for now.